Saturday, July 11, 2009

Fucking.....UP



I played the words I said over and over in my head. What the fuck had I been thinking? I found myself lost in a moment of wanting to be at His side so badly I forgot everything I had learned since day one. I forgot I stuffed my bells cause I was ashamed of their reason of being there. I forgot that it His choice that I was there to begin with. I forgot the bliss of being at His side, touching His thigh, feeling like there was a place for me there. Might have been, until I opened my big ass mouth.

Your making it really hard for me to like You!

Oh fuck. If that wasn't bad enough, I had put layers of things I liked that were His, and yet...not Him. It was many things. I was jealous of Catch's joy. I wanted it. Wanted. I never asked what He wanted. I needed to learn to step outside the protective box I keep locking myself into. How can I accept and mold, much less grow if I don't take the lid off the box? When would I start being thankful? When it was too late? Perhaps it was too late.

Please don't be too late!

Everything was a haze at that point. I begged to stay, not be sold, I begged. Begged. Do what He says. Why was that so hard? I wanted to, yet I wanted. Wanted. To stay and make Him understand. Make. Again, Red, what a stupid selfish bitch of a slave you are. I can't make anyone do anything. I left, in tears. Right to His wagons. I cried in the supply wagon, before going out to feed the fires, check on the vulo, and get some meat boiling for stew.

I wasn't doing very well. I felt shame. I felt sorrow. I was swimming in both like deep waters I was kicking my feet along trying to find some hit of sand under the dark waves. Stop it Red. STOP!

Stop fucking sulking on the moment and work on doing what you should for the future. Fix it. Fix it if you have the heart and will to. If not, just take Him the fucking quiva, for my parts right now are more valuable then the whole.

That was a damn shame. SHAME.

I wanted to fix this. I did. I wanted to learn. I do. Listen, and learn. Watch and learn. Trust and learn. Devote and start to earn.

Please, allow me the chance to, show I'm worth the investment. Please.

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