I spent a few days loathing in a huge ball of self pity. I felt alone, and reached out to those who really had forgotten or decided to forget what its like to be unsure. Yasmine and Selene are like a pit of boiling water all the time that just need any bit of meat to make succulent treat to bring pleasures of Mmmmm. I guess I never looked into the bliss of their world. Or the simple meanings. I know how they are, so not sure what I was really thinking. Its my own naive hopes thinking they might bend a little to work with me, and not work me into them for their own pleasure. I was just like them, but in a different way. I used them to feed into some need of mine just as they did me. So when I went to them to tell them what I did, and how to fix it, lets just say, my face had stupid painted all across it. It breaks down to this.
Ask a whore a question. You will get a whores answer.
Duh. I didn't want that answer. It didn't help. It has nothing really to do with me. Just them. It just showed me more how ignorant I am. How I knew better then to go to those who really didn't sparkle on my side of the stars. I got a very long lecture on how to please a man, which meant nothing to me, but words. It was an outside the flesh fix, when it was my inner pain that I couldn't find a bandage for. I should have gone to Catch. For I had her, inside. I never really thought of it until it was a flash back of just one night, one talk, though I acted out in my own fury, she had really touched me deep under all this freckled flesh. I wish I had taken a moment to swallow my pride and found her. I was ashamed she knew what I did. She saw it. How I was so stupid. Had she not pointed out the very first day, the obvious? Look at everything Master gave me. Be grateful. Be honored. He chose to give me this. Wasn't it everyday I wished for those chains back? Even if it wasn't a full thought that formed, it was a feeling every time I thought of Him. He kept me safe, just by letting me be there. Why was I seeing this now? Why was it now, after I had made all the wrong turns cause I let my own selfish rage explode to make me run to those who...I knew wouldn't help. Who would just give me another blanket feeling that fed into my pity. Pity of me. Everything was at home, and I ran cause I didn't want to be healed, I wanted to sweat in nonsense.
I refused to see past the freckle on the tip of my nose. Everything I have learned, I have worked on. Meant...nothing. I had a moment to share this joy, and I wore a cloak of my own desire. Wants, and discarded without a second thought, gifts He has gave me. Were the bells not there because He placed them? Yes, they meant in general I couldn't be trusted, but was it not chimes that might be heard to see what I was doing, and where. Nothing heard, I must be doing.
Nothing.
I was no smarter then a chip of dung. Throw me to a fire to be found in use. Fuck. Then, I had the nerve, to thank Him with anger, and my thanks of self absorbed feelings. He was making it hard for me to like Him. Now if I had not named out every little thing I had done for me, and not spoken from my skin, my shallow mouth which said things off the cuff. If I had shut the fuck up and thought like He was giving me time to. None of that would have come out. Out before others to show them what a stupid little slave I was. To show Catch all her kindness had been...wasted. That I didn't hear a thing she said to me. If I would have just stayed where I was, and waited.
Why was I still here?
I hoped, Odin please, please, please, let Him find mercy where its not deserved. No, again that was selfishness. Please let Him decide if its deserved so that I can show, I'm really not as stupid as my actions say I am. The real me, is there, scared, but there. Please let mistake number...who knows far beyond the fingers of everyone in camp in numbers not be the last one. By the luck of a sleen's fifth legs left toe, let me be able to show Him, the real me.
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