Please Master I won't fail again.

I spent a few days loathing in a huge ball of self pity. I felt alone, and reached out to those who really had forgotten or decided to forget what its like to be unsure. Yasmine and Selene are like a pit of boiling water all the time that just need any bit of meat to make succulent treat to bring pleasures of Mmmmm. I guess I never looked into the bliss of their world. Or the simple meanings. I know how they are, so not sure what I was really thinking. Its my own naive hopes thinking they might bend a little to work with me, and not work me into them for their own pleasure. I was just like them, but in a different way. I used them to feed into some need of mine just as they did me. So when I went to them to tell them what I did, and how to fix it, lets just say, my face had stupid painted all across it. It breaks down to this.

Ask a whore a question. You will get a whores answer.

Duh. I didn't want that answer. It didn't help. It has nothing really to do with me. Just them. It just showed me more how ignorant I am. How I knew better then to go to those who really didn't sparkle on my side of the stars. I got a very long lecture on how to please a man, which meant nothing to me, but words. It was an outside the flesh fix, when it was my inner pain that I couldn't find a bandage for. I should have gone to Catch. For I had her, inside. I never really thought of it until it was a flash back of just one night, one talk, though I acted out in my own fury, she had really touched me deep under all this freckled flesh. I wish I had taken a moment to swallow my pride and found her. I was ashamed she knew what I did. She saw it. How I was so stupid. Had she not pointed out the very first day, the obvious? Look at everything Master gave me. Be grateful. Be honored. He chose to give me this. Wasn't it everyday I wished for those chains back? Even if it wasn't a full thought that formed, it was a feeling every time I thought of Him. He kept me safe, just by letting me be there. Why was I seeing this now? Why was it now, after I had made all the wrong turns cause I let my own selfish rage explode to make me run to those who...I knew wouldn't help. Who would just give me another blanket feeling that fed into my pity. Pity of me. Everything was at home, and I ran cause I didn't want to be healed, I wanted to sweat in nonsense.

I refused to see past the freckle on the tip of my nose. Everything I have learned, I have worked on. Meant...nothing. I had a moment to share this joy, and I wore a cloak of my own desire. Wants, and discarded without a second thought, gifts He has gave me. Were the bells not there because He placed them? Yes, they meant in general I couldn't be trusted, but was it not chimes that might be heard to see what I was doing, and where. Nothing heard, I must be doing.

Nothing.

I was no smarter then a chip of dung. Throw me to a fire to be found in use. Fuck. Then, I had the nerve, to thank Him with anger, and my thanks of self absorbed feelings. He was making it hard for me to like Him. Now if I had not named out every little thing I had done for me, and not spoken from my skin, my shallow mouth which said things off the cuff. If I had shut the fuck up and thought like He was giving me time to. None of that would have come out. Out before others to show them what a stupid little slave I was. To show Catch all her kindness had been...wasted. That I didn't hear a thing she said to me. If I would have just stayed where I was, and waited.

Why was I still here?

I hoped, Odin please, please, please, let Him find mercy where its not deserved. No, again that was selfishness. Please let Him decide if its deserved so that I can show, I'm really not as stupid as my actions say I am. The real me, is there, scared, but there. Please let mistake number...who knows far beyond the fingers of everyone in camp in numbers not be the last one. By the luck of a sleen's fifth legs left toe, let me be able to show Him, the real me.

Shattered....Confidence

I wish I was locked in tower so high into the clouds,
Nothing but my dreams to surround me,
Its there I feel safe and nothing to fear but my own creations,
Yet in that world of wishes I am very lonely.
I search for a meaning of life for myself,
Darkness is the shade of my sanctuary,
For its the dream land I feel safe within,
And I have brought the nightmares of my reality.
Make all the bad stuff in which I love disappear,
Once its gone will I be able to breath a new beginning,
Its I that feed into the hellish despair,
For without it I don't know if I will live,
I need pain to claw my lungs to breath again.
This agony is not of the flesh,
Its my soul I have given up so freely,
Why can't I seem to fight for myself?
My own fingers peel away my skin of safety.

Its like I am a tree of damnation's fears,
Nurtured by my own discrimination.
I hate those that love me without out a fear,
Or those that look past my sinful laws,
Why can't I love myself enough,
Look into the eyes of another?
They believe in this being whose flesh is flawed,
And a heart that somehow keeps beating.

I wish I could tear it from my chest,
Something I could truly feel,
Rip it apart and give away each piece,
I am tired of how it hurts me,
Let me be numb and try to kill,
Every past bit that haunts me.
All I can say is I am trying,
Every flaw seems to awakening,
I beg to be taking in a palm,
And taught the ways to make You happy.
I am not just a broken soul,
Just one that is bare and exposed,
Weeping to be healed and taken.

So I beg You please to understand,
I am a stupid bitch of emotions,
Please forgive me for I cry blood for my ills,
I have tears of regret for what I can't see,
Though my eyes are clearly open.
I feel like a child just learning again,
Trying to forget the past lessons learned,
I want to be reborn in this pleasure,
Of feeling Your bit of heart in return was earned.

Fucking.....UP

I played the words I said over and over in my head. What the fuck had I been thinking? I found myself lost in a moment of wanting to be at His side so badly I forgot everything I had learned since day one. I forgot I stuffed my bells cause I was ashamed of their reason of being there. I forgot that it His choice that I was there to begin with. I forgot the bliss of being at His side, touching His thigh, feeling like there was a place for me there. Might have been, until I opened my big ass mouth.

Your making it really hard for me to like You!

Oh fuck. If that wasn't bad enough, I had put layers of things I liked that were His, and yet...not Him. It was many things. I was jealous of Catch's joy. I wanted it. Wanted. I never asked what He wanted. I needed to learn to step outside the protective box I keep locking myself into. How can I accept and mold, much less grow if I don't take the lid off the box? When would I start being thankful? When it was too late? Perhaps it was too late.

Please don't be too late!

Everything was a haze at that point. I begged to stay, not be sold, I begged. Begged. Do what He says. Why was that so hard? I wanted to, yet I wanted. Wanted. To stay and make Him understand. Make. Again, Red, what a stupid selfish bitch of a slave you are. I can't make anyone do anything. I left, in tears. Right to His wagons. I cried in the supply wagon, before going out to feed the fires, check on the vulo, and get some meat boiling for stew.

I wasn't doing very well. I felt shame. I felt sorrow. I was swimming in both like deep waters I was kicking my feet along trying to find some hit of sand under the dark waves. Stop it Red. STOP!

Stop fucking sulking on the moment and work on doing what you should for the future. Fix it. Fix it if you have the heart and will to. If not, just take Him the fucking quiva, for my parts right now are more valuable then the whole.

That was a damn shame. SHAME.

I wanted to fix this. I did. I wanted to learn. I do. Listen, and learn. Watch and learn. Trust and learn. Devote and start to earn.

Please, allow me the chance to, show I'm worth the investment. Please.

Girls....Gone wild.

I was pretty tired by the time evening rolled around. But I was caught up! By the grace of Odin I finished everything. I felt...this relief from that. Not to mention after leaving some Tart's for my Master, I had an extra basket left. It seemed fitting, a little treat for me and the girls. I left a Tart wrapped up in a rep cloth and on the apron for Catch. I placed a pretty green ribbon around it. I just think green would look so good on Catch. She has such pretty flawless skin. I really did hope she would like the apron as much as I did. I would have to tell her they were gifts from the nice Mistress. I placed it where we had our stuff put up in the storage wagon, since the vulo's got our wagon now. I smiled at the thought of it. I wrapped my hair up in my colorful apron letting the ties dance around my head in a twisted bind cause I didn't look to see if the Magpie was around, cause I was to busy running out of dodge. It was late, so maybe it was sleeping. Who knew, but I wasn't taking any chances right now. Catch would be here soon, I know she had some extra people duties as of late, which made me a little sad, I haven't seen her around. I wasn't sure if Master would be in soon, but I made Him a plate just in case. I didn't want to run off and ...me and Catch not be here. I just put some bosk strips on a platter, a bota of water, and the basket of Tarts in His wagon by the sleeping furs, which I laid out the coverings and fluffed the newly stuffed down head cushions.

With that extra tart basket in hand, and just a bit of cloth wrap at my hips, cause I wanted to show off the art Mistress gave me, I even decorated it with a string of beads around my neck, I started towards the wagons of Yasmine's Master. I felt....weird. Not sure if I liked my breast exposed, or if I was forcing myself to like it. The beads made me more aware of it, as if the apron I was wearing earlier though just at my hips didn't cover my breast, but I felt like I was safe with the art. The beads made me more aware as they were not a part of my skin like the art was, they were...touching me. Over and over again as I moved. For the first time I paused, looking over my shoulder towards my Master's wagons. I wonder..if He would like the art. Oh. New thought...where did that come from? I blushed. It scared me. I blushed and ran. I was pretty breathless by the time I made it to the wagons. It was pretty quiet besides the giggling that was short and loud eruptions in the plains air. In the normal Tribe evening sounds. It made me want to giggle also. I walked up slowly, quietly placing the basket of Tarts to the side before suddenly jumping in the flaps and yelling "Sluts what is going on in here!" They jumped up so fast, I had to bust out laughing. Which was met by a tackle of the girls taking me to the temwood and fur carpeted floor. It was fun start. Tickles and giggles. Yasmine and Selene were pretty glossy eyed, and gave me kalana favored and scented kisses all over my cheeks while marveling over my art. Yasmine had more of a mischievous glint to hers when I walked back in from getting the Tarts off the platform. She said...she had something for me. Me? I was passing out the tarts to both as she handed a bota to me. Told me not to look, or smell, just drink! I wasn't very sure. She waved the bota around in front of me as I shoved the Tart in my mouth to show....mouth full, can't do it right now! Damn the tart was delicious. It had a rich yet buttery crust. I could taste the light tease dates and the mixture of ramberries bursting in my mouth. I was so lost in the tart moment as it was the first time I have had such a delightful treat since leaving the North when I felt fingers all over my jawline and a chant for me to chew faster and swallow! Now for some reason the word Swallow made them both fall over and giggle. Strange girls. They just teased me dancing around with the bota in hand. I was to scared to find out what they had. I was not! Standing up I took the bota out of Selene's hand who was just doing very naughty gyrating motions with it against her chest, popped the cork and took a deep drink!

Gag, Oh! Damn..Choke.

I showed them, and they showed me! I guess I didn't take a chance to let it just roll across my tongue to take in the flavor as the deep swallow hurt going down my throat. Though, it was a pleasant surprise indeed! It was mead! Thank you Odin! It had been so long since I had mead! The next drink was slow and enjoyed. It was strong, the rich honey coated my throat. They were cheering finally settling down to enjoy their tarts. Not sure how the ahn's went by, nor do I remember getting my fingers and toes painted. I don't remember falling asleep. It was the fall of a hand across my face, as Yasmine rolled over that woke me. My head was spinning. I picked up the bota, to take another drink, as it would help me get over the throbbing of my head. I knew that. I remembered that...and it was gone. Empty. My head was pounding and I still felt...drunk. My nails did look good, all thirty of them. I left the girls there sleeping, I had knots of ribbons all in my locks and my apron stuffed in the very empty tart basket. I had one of my hands grab the basket after fourth try. At this point, I just wanted to go home! I started towards the entrance, walking down the steps (okay I fell) I got up and started towards the wagons again. I think I figured it out after a normal fifteen ehn walk took me an ahn of wrong wagons, and finally hearing Yaz growl at my stumbles that knocked over a stack of buckets towards him under the wagon. I was giving my Sorry Sorry..as I just stopped on the steps of the slave wagon. Damn...Vulo's. That is right. I just stayed on the steps, laying my head back on the netting. Shit I was tired.

What a.....Tart

I woke up...grumpy. I tossed and turned all night, think I almost suffocated myself with how tight I wrap the blanket around me. So yes, I was up. Dung collected. Hanging it up on a peg. I was a day behind on laundry. I grabbed the basket and washing items I set out the night before. I had a goal, get this laundry finished, and I would be back on track. Yes. Goals Goals Goals. Exhaling I started towards the stream, washing myself up I then started on the Warriors leathers. It was going good, Yasmine came over wondering what happened to me yesterday, she had some color for nails her Master gifted her. She wanted to paint my nails red. He got it in a trade from another Warrior that found it in his Fathers storage wagon. Some raid goods. It was a bit dry from being old, but she added a few drops of paga and it was good as new. I promised her I would come look for her tonight. I really had to do this laundry done to get back on track! Damn. Did she not see I was stressing here? Her nails were very pretty. Very nice. I wanted red nails. Ugh! I said want. I need to stop wanting. Ut oh, I was thinking, stop Red!

Yasmine said she would make sure I kept my promise and come fetch me if she had to, before running off to find Selene. I think I scrubbed forever! Just worried I wouldn't clean the leathers good enough. Finally I was putting them out on drying racks when I felt something roll down my shoulder, across my arm and I captured it quickly at my finger tips. It about scared me thinking a weird bug was crawling all over me. Not that I'm scare of bugs, but I was just caught off guard. But, it was no bug, it was a ramberry. Out of habit, I looked up. As if the Sky had dropped it down on me. I heard a chuckle, a nice pleasant and very feminine one. I have to say, I was happy to see Mistress Mezoo. She let a curl of finger be my beckon to follow. Armed with my ramberry I followed quickly. Mistress looked like I felt! Hurried and had lots to do, on Her mind, or something! She placed a huge basket of beautiful plump ramberries in front of me. It seemed like one of the stories from my past as she announced...

Let there be Tarts!

What? Really? Seriously? Tarts? Oh. Not just Tarts it seemed, as names were rolling off Her tongue as simple as a breath being taken in, and released.

Let there be lots of Tarts!

Wow. So now I'm armed with Ramberries, A bag of floured ta sarna, yellow sugar, Eggs, Verr butter, some very rare date extract, and even some ground nuts, almost powered. Mistress shooed me off to go work some crazy magic. I had straps of baskets all over the place holding the goods, and Mistress said, "Wait! Stop! I would get my shift dirty. Take it off. "What? Nakie? I was about to debate, maybe it wasn't so much fear of nakie as it was...fuck what if Mistress was in art mode? Nakie meant a bigger canvas and if I'm to be making Tarts, I really didn't WANT to be in pain. Damn it! More selfish wants. No more selfish wants. I started to remove the layer of straps and took a deep breath. I twisted up the black shift and wrapped it around my long thick wily red locks to pull them back out of my face, like some scarf looking koora. Now, I was amazed I was pretty much as right as rain! But also very thrilled I was wrong. Yes, Mistress wanted color, but the color I was given was fun, sweetly stained marks of deep purple and red across my skin. Mistress gave me wings, I didn't see them on my back, but I felt them. I felt....free, beautiful, I loved it! Oh I thanked Mistress over and over again. She finished Her wish of design before letting me go off, with a ramberry shoved in my mouth. Now I was packed with ingredients, beauty and a mission. I was go to find a Mistress named Birmmah. With a sweet warning of Mistress being a bit...mean. Great! I felt like I was walking into the oven to be cooked myself instead of finding the Mistress with the best mud oven around to bake tarts.

I started along the wagons and it wasn't hard to find, Mistress said they would be near the edge of the outer and first wagons. I found the Mistress, as I lowered the baskets, the many baskets, to the ground and asked Mistress, if I may, please, use Her mud oven to make a zillion Tarts. I said Mistress Mezoo said She had the best mud oven around. She gave me a slight smile, it seemed forced. I felt...bad. I came with the mind set of this sleen bitch in heat Mistress, angry and ready to eat any slave, and what I saw was, a woman who smelled of pain and sorrow. Loss, and aching. That smell of dust in darkness, when you reach out and fingers touch nothing. The smell of fear in unknown. I wanted to weep for Her, but instead, I offered to bring a bit of sweetness. I showed the goods I had, and though I knew I could put it together myself...I asked for Her help. She said, first things first. She got me an apron. One woven in many different colors. She seemed to blush, Oh...Old lady blushing! Saying the colors matched the designs on my skin. It just was tied around my waist, and it was beautiful. I loved it! The first one I thought of was Catch, and told Her, my chain sister would love this apron. Catch was..so colorful, her feel, her smile. The Mistress chuckled getting bowls, water, and wooden spoons for us. We made the dough, then crushed the ramberries, most of them, a third set to the side for the tarts. We boiled, mixing them with sugar and sweet jellied fat. We both would break up dough and form it with our fingers, filling the center with the jelly, and then set whole ramberries on the top. They looked so delicious. Putting them in the mud oven for only three hands full of ehns. Once they were out, we let them cool, and just a bit of powered sugar sprinkled on top.

We cooked tarts for ahns. It was a lot of fun. I really didn't say much, but the Mistress spoke of all her sons. A few times tears formed, and slipped down her cheeks as she spoke of Mistress Cana, and the children. Again, I just listened. My mind would drift to my family, and I felt guilty for my own pain. Here I would miss them so much, because I knew where they were, this Mistress, had no idea where her first son was. She started to cry. Shit. I had no idea what to do! I didn't want to rub my naked all over Her to give Her a hug, instead, I handed Her a Tart, and told Her, She should see Mistress Mezoo, She was good with making puffy cheeks and eyes look pretty. Maybe some pretty tear drops, so they are there, created out of beauty and wouldn't seem so sad anymore.

The Mistress seemed to like that. So much so, She helped me put the Tarts in the baskets Mistress Mezoo gave me to drop off to the dozen of names she threw out at me. The Mistress wanted to make sure I left some with her son's children, and even her other Son's. I promised I would. I mean we had a zillion Tarts. Then, what She did next...was sweeter then a ramberry coated with honey and sprinkled with white sugar. She said I could keep the apron. She even folded up another that matched mine in design but the colors were brighter, for me to take to Catch. I thanked her so much and promised to come and check on Her! Maybe I could bring Catch, and show off our aprons! She said..not to forget a bit more clothing under them. It was my turn to blush. I gave be well's, and it was nice to see a smile form, naturally to Her weathered features.

I ran to leave a basket for Mistress Mezoo, before I took off for my deliveries.

-Mistress Mezoo had delicious golden edged Tarts filled with sweet Ramberry jelly and whole Ramberries on top delivered by the redheaded slave girl wearing only a colorful apron. She ran through the wagons making sure the baskets were left on platforms, covered with rep cloths as the Tarts were warm and freshly made, and gifted with love! Each Basket had a bright red silk ribbon, and she told any slaves around, if the Masters or Mistresses weren't, that they were gifts from Mistress, cause she wanted to make sure everyone had something warm and sweet to fill their mouths and tease the soul-

Seeking...a feeling

Whistle while you work...

Hack, wheeze, gasp, choke, blow...

Whistle while you work...

Blow, choke, gasp, wheeze, hack...

So that is how my song went today turning over the dry grass again in the vulo wagon. I thought I saw a vulo roll its eyes. I would also rotate the wax cones. I check over the netting, running my fingers over the twine and knots. I told myself I would go into Master's wagons to see if I can find some more bundles of rope and work on another net. I really enjoyed making it. More then I thought I would. I collected the loose down of feathers not used for the nesting or comfort for the vulo's themselves. I put it in a basket. I would make some fresh sleeping cushions for Master's bedding with them. One should re-stuff and redo them every season anyway. The oils from our skin and hair break down the lush fur and dampen the down naturally. It can be taken out and I will use the old feathers to mix with the dry grass for the vulo's when I do another cleaning. I was hoping Master wouldn't get to angry, but I took a blade and cut the leather on the side of the canvas. I would just make a nice "U" cut so I could roll up the piece and fasten it on top. Where it was open, I would put in some slender netting. For now, I would tie it down with a bit of leather straps and a few stitches. Air could get in from the sides where I slit until I could get the slender netting made. Just to make sure the vulo's wouldn't jump wagon and would become a magpie's meal. I washed up, as I always needed to after vulo duty. I walked into Master's wagon, just pulling up the flaps to air it out. Catch took care of it, it was always clean. I smiled seeing the colored shells in the basket. I would take off the small head cushions from His sleeping fur pile and I was enjoying the play of the blade, it had been a long time since I had cool metal in my hand. It wasn't a dagger or anything that would just bring chills of thrill in my spine. It was a scraping tool, so conviently sharpened. Cutting away the seams I would take out the old feathers. Filling another basket with it, I took the furs to add them to the wash I had still to do from the wagons of Masters. I gathered the leathers, washing soaps and brushes, and set them to the side. I would be back to finish those. I ran off to see Manga, tell Her I took the broth to the Mistress, and perhaps some more cause the Master watching Her, liked it too. Of course I told Manga, He was old like Her, maybe She could go take the broth herself and check Him out! Manga laughed shooing me away. Telling me to come back for the spices, she will get them together so I can make the broth later tonight. She has some fresh vulo coming in from a young Warrior later also.

I really wanted something else to wear, I liked the shift, but it was getting old. Still nice, but I wanted to try something...new. I wanted to be beautiful like other girls, I wanted a brand, I wanted a piercing. I wanted, I wanted...Want want want. Okay I see the issue. Once more, I was going about things the wrong way. I wanted to know what He wanted. Was this one of those obvious things? He is doing what He wants. He wants me in a shift, He wants me to learn. Was that it? Shit. I dont' know. So much thinking! What to do when I feel I'm thinking too much? Go serve, go cook something...do something! Off to the main fires I went! I get so confused. I needed someone...who wasn't a slave, to explain slavery to me. I couldn't even try to explain it to myself. Was I not once Free? Yes. I was lost in my wants back then. It seemed I wanted a lot now. What the fuck! Okay I'm just all confused.

I lost myself in serving. There was a nice gathering around the fires. Many talking, enjoying company and I just loved the voices and moments. I got a swat, a tug of hair, to serve, to laugh, was happy, confused, and thrilled. He was there. I offered to serve Him when I got the chance finally. Though I didn't get to close, cause...He was all upon the water barrel. Master + Water Barrel = Scary! There was a slave there that confused me. The Master suggested we learn together....seeing she was new also, maybe a bit more fresh then me, though I think I have some time served banked. She said if He wished it. Does that mean she didn't? I asked...but she didn't answer. I was, very disappointed. I couldn't wait to get to the wagons. I wanted to get to work. Cause my mind was twisted and confused again. My question trunk was all full and over flowing. I think that is why I dared to get close to Him..and the Water Barrel. I asked if I may go back to the wagon. He asked a question of what was more important then serving here at the fires. I had things to finish, but I explained them. He seemed to allow my reasons for my escape from my own mind and thoughts..again that day. I paused. Not sure why. I had to let Him know...I needed to talk to Him when there was a chance. He said I find Him, and......I would.

I think I ran all the way to the wagons. What was wrong with me? I get so damn confused. Jeeze I didn't even do the laundry. I had lost time. I would do the laundry first thing in the morning. But I did make sure to get those cushions washed, just in a bucket by the wagons. Scrubbing them out, brushing the fur then oiling it lightly inside to keep the skin soft. While I had water in a bucket, I would lay the cushions out to dry while I was searching for some rope. I found it and soaked it also. While I waited, I ran over to see Manga. She had broth going already, scolding me for being there so late. I told Her I was sorry, not sure...how I lost the time, but I did. Waving me off, She told me to go find time and my mind. She would take the broth over when it was finished. I felt bad, but She did gift me with a small smile, to show...She did want to see the Warrior I was talking about.

I ran again...seeking time and my mind as I worked. I got the cushions together stuffing them with the fresh down. Once I got the stitching finished I put them back on Master's furs. I repeated...If you wish Master. The same thing the girl said. It made no sense to me. If He didn't wish it, He wouldn't have mentioned it right? Did He not ask to get a personal answer? Or...was I wrong and that was the right answer? Shit, shit, shit. Stop thinking red. What would Big Red say? Oh she would tisk me for making something out of nothing. Why did I stress so? Maybe there are things not meant to be understood. Just go with the flow. Shit. Think of other things red! Rope, I needed to finish the rope. Making my way towards the basin, I would pull it out from the water. It was slender, and strong, the vulo Mistress told me to knot it wet, that way when it was set and drying it would tighten and lock the knot. I started to work on the square of knotted net. Just a small patch for the cut away leather I did. I took a thread and needle with me, and worked on stitching the net where I put the hole, that way the air could go in freely and no runners.

I was tired. I wanted to sleep. I wanted to stop thinking. Tomorrow would be a better day. It would be. Yes, it would be. Yes, yes, yes.

Feeling.....the love

It wasn't so bad sleeping by the fires, it was warm out and the fire kept the night bugs away. Not sure if anyone noticed before, but damn. Yaz snores. I listened to him all night, some counted verr ewes, some stars, me....I counted Yaz's breaths. Strange things that made me feel at home. The glowing yellow of eyes under the shadows was one of them. I pulled up the blanket Master tossed to me the first night of my arrival and watched the sky. I liked the woven pattern and colors of my blanket. It made me think of the rich pastel colors of evening, as morning always brought bolder hues. There were so many stars out tonight. The lights flickered, like a beating heart, it was beautiful. Yasmine had told me earlier that day, the Ubara was sick. I knew She was my Master's friend. The woman with the fiery will and quick hands. I almost smiled at how intense She was at setting me straight with Her demand of respect. It was a mistake I didn't make twice. I was sorry...She was ill. She was one of the rare few who took the time to make sure...I learned. I decided I would ask Manga if we could make some of that broth for Her in the morning. Right now, I was enjoying the here and now with the moments of quiet to reflect on the day, and embrace the evening. Tonight I got to breath in wonderful aroma's of life. I really loved these moments. When I didn't fall instantly to sleep but could, truly become one with everything around me. I heard the sounds of bosk that were a constant background, the wings of birds, even that magpie that was a bit scary. I have taken to wrapping the edge of my blanket around my head to hide some of flare of red that seemed to attract it. I looked a bit foolish with my hair wrapped but it saved me from having to run from one wagon to another or down the alley of wagons when the magpie would watch me. Mean bird. I swore I saw bits of my hair along the perch up there.

I dreamed. I saw my Father and this beautiful woman with red hair at his side. I saw Blushes just leaning against his leg as she knelt there. The woman was embracing Big Red, who looked so happy and at peace. The woman was beautiful. I don't remember my Mother, but I have to say this woman had to be her. She had just a few sparkles of freckles along her nose, nothing like me and Big Red have. I wondered where I would be in Valhalla. Or would I fall to the realms of their beliefs here. Their's was a life in the sky, it seemed a lot like ours, but who....who would I be next to? I never thought of death before. Nothing that vivid. I have never worried about it. Death was a good thing, everyone gone would be there waiting for you. You never are far from someone you love in life or death. I have so many questions in my mind, I didn't know what to do with them. Nothing I would really talk to Yasmine about. Me and Catch just seem....to not have those moments as much as I would like. I think these are the times I feel my heart weep for Big Red. I know death is not a bad thing. Odin makes no mistakes. Does he know how much I miss her? If she was here, would my life be better? She has a tender heart like Catch, and was wise like Mistress Mezoo, firm like Master, looking to make me learn things like Yasmine and Selene....Oh.

Damn.

I guess...she is here. She is in all those around me. It was the first time I had thought of it. For some reason....that made me feel good. I can't remember falling asleep, but I knew I was smiling when I did. I could feel the smile match like the touch of love at lips as pure as a simple kiss goodnight. Life was good.

Morning camp started, far before the light did. I tossed a few more bits of dung in the fire, and it was like Catch was my morning norm. I would hear her, feel her move and I was up with her. The morning rolled into its normal mode. Dung, bath, scrub pots, it wasn't a fur or laundry day, so I would walk the wagons looking for boots outside the platforms. Would clean and polish them. Sweep out platforms, check the weathered flaps, scrub steps that were really bad, then toss some feed to the vulo's before going out to milk bosk with a girl named heather. We would take the milk to use it for butter and cheese. I am so not good with verr. I don't think they like me. Northern verr like me, but these..nope. There is this little one with a black splash on his head that chases me all over when I go with heather to get the milking verr. He has it out for me.

My fingers were sore from churning. I still had no idea who heather belongs to. She was not Tuchuk, born, that was clear. She had old pale blue eyes and golden hair. She was pretty, yes, but not in a sexual way, but in a natural way. She had a dina brand, but reminds me of someone who was once of high standing. She is clad kajir like many around here. She has told me many times she likes my black shift. I walked towards Manga's wagons, to get started on spices. A few days ago I had helped her lay out some different stalks to dry, I knew they would be ready. Keeping them in bundles of their same kind, I would take them to her wagon. She was inside, making oils for ailments and for keeping leathers soft and pliable. I told her of my Master's ill friend, and she seemed thrilled to give me a bota of the broth to take over. She said it was a slow day, so I could go and rush that over. It was much more important. I wished her a wonderful day, and off I went..towards the Mistress's wagons.

Once I got there, children were around, the two slaves there around the slaves pointed out a wagon where I found a huge older Warrior there. I knelt on the platform, lifting the bota up explaining it was broth scent over by Manga. I figured He would have me hand it over to one of the slaves, instead...He told me to follow Him. Honestly..I was scared. I followed the Master into the wagon. It was warm and smelled of fear and sorrow. The Mistress looked peaceful asleep on the layer of furs. She was warm as the Master rested beside the Mistress, brushing some hair from her face with His fingers. It reminded me of something a Father would do to a tired child. I would carefully pour some of the broth that was luke warm into a bowl, and use a rep cloth. Again such things bring so many memories. My older brother came down with a fever once from a wound fighting with a snow sleen. It had gotten infected when he tore the stitches getting up to go after it again, and didn't come back until he was dragging the body by one of the legs and half alive himself. Me and Big Red would take turns while Blushes was sleeping dabbling water from a rep cloth at his lips while he fell into a fevers coma. Blushes refused to leave his side, Father made her sleep, with a promise from Big Red and I, to not leave his side while she was. The Mistress looked so pure and beautiful, even there at these sad times. I was very careful to put a few rolled furs at the back of her shoulders and keep her head up. Even at moistening lips, one could choke on a drop of liquid that would fall wrong. I would dip the edge of a rep cloth in the broth, just letting it moisten against her lips, and tease a drop or so against her mouth. Her lips were soft and warm also. I would watch the play of throat working a swallow out of natural reaction of the body. I would give a look up at the elder Master who had a mist at eyes and I could smell ache of coco and hot spice. That would be the smell of love, a breaking heart. I would break the feeling of broth for a moment to find a mug and offer it to the Master, who took it. The soft smell of nutmeg told of some calming, maybe because a shared meal with the Mistress gave hope. I have no idea. But I liked the smell. Hope. I was careful and only tried to give a little bit more before trying a follow up of just plain cool water. I asked the Master if I could get Him anything after I cleaned up and put the broth to the side that was left. He said He was fine, but I would make sure to bring more broth again..for the both of them.

Leaving the wagons left me feeling a bit of the ache also. Death was so much easier then the fear of unknown. To see a loved one there, and you can't do anything to make it better. Helpless, as you could only let tears fall against their finger tips. It was the worse of feelings. I tried hard to shake that off of my mind as I went to get the molds I made the day before. Lose my thoughts in work, they were firm and ready. I was happy I used woven baskets as they were flexible and I was able to get the mud bricks out easily. I used them to stack up the boards in the vulo wagon. The vulo woman said they liked that, cause their nest were up off the ground, even in a coop like fixture, makes them feel safer. I think that is what we all want. Someone to care enough to know what to do. To feel safer.

Sharing...the love

The hoarse sound of my whistling attempts were just sounding like wheezing of weak lungs now, but it kept the vulo's from attacking my ankles as I was working on the shelving inside the wagon. I make sure to clean out the lower dampened dry grass every morning, and rotate and mix fresh and old. Keeps the smell down, along with sweet honey suckle wax cones by the entrance. Its a nice natural scent so it isn't overwhelming to the vulo's.

I would take the wet down of dry grass and put it in baskets. I walked it far out towards the rounded edges of the stream where the wild ramberries grew. I knew the people here didn't do any crop growing of any sort but I still knew what good fertilizer was. We grew many crops back home. It made me wonder if someone had let my peach tree die. I would have buried it out here and let nature decide its will. I used the basket to pour some water over the soiled dry grass to help it compost into the ground around the base of the bushes. I thought of how thick and plump by this time next year they would be. I liked this feeling of...future. I took the long way around to pull down the clothing of the men of my Master's family wagons, who's laundry I do every other day. I do it first thing after dung collecting and when I was washing up, so it would be dry by deep into the warmth of morning. Now the basket was clean from the carrying, I would put the cleaned clothing in it and take it back to the wagons. I oiled the leathers carefully to keep them soft and durable. I wanted..to know more.... do more. Everyone so busy I wouldn't bother them. Mistress Mezoo was the only one I really have met, truly. I had gone into Master's wagon, and started to learn....to know it. Where the trunks were, the way the furs carpeted the floor, how it smells, and feels. Of course I take to cleaning, placing everything right where I find it, after wipping down the built in shelves and edging with a damp rep cloth to rid any dust. I am spending more time...here. Home base. I brought the colored egg shells filled with dyed grass in His wagon, putting it by the flap that could be unbound to bring in fresh air and light. I left it there. It made me...smile. Like, I placed a bit of me..there. So simple, to just want to be a shadow in the sight in someone's life.

But the moment was over, had stuff to do. Now I was not about to go find a builder. I didn't have permission, and plus, can't go trading wares and goods when I truly owned nothing! So I started to think, what did we do back home when I was younger? When me and Von would want to build something without someone finding out? AH! Got it. I went by the trenches, not to work hard or anything there, but there is where the open grounds had less grass and thick mounds of dirt piled where it was dug up long ago. I enjoyed flaunting myself as the chained Thralls were digging and putting buckets of dirt into the old trenches before starting on the newly dug trenched canal. I took my own buckets of dirt, and started to mix it in a huge basin. I remembered how to do this well, and I was happy and giggling while I made it. One part grass six parts dirt and enough water to make it feel like bread dough, firm and not runny at all. I would pause and put fat worms I pulled up and out, into a bucket. I would trade them with some fishing Free, for a first catch. Fish for dinner tonight! Using some square baskets as molds I would fill them with the mixture and left them out to dry in the sun.

Okay now...next! I walked to the stream with the bucket full of fat worms, and the deal was made for the fish with a young Master and his friend. They were thankful they had no need to have to dig for themselves. Now, time to see what to use as a base. There was some wooden planks in one of Master's storage wagons. Must have been from an old wagon a long time ago. They were very dusted, and a bit weak in the center, but one thing I have learned....Tuchuks waste nothing! It would be perfect for the vulo's, as they were light, and small, even with nest and eggs, it would be way strong. I took four planks and carried them in the vulo wagon. They would work, hopefully by tomorrow the moldings would be dry.

Lessons.....Hatched

I was dreading seeing the vulo Mistress. I wasn't really into learning about vulos, but she said to be there, and here my ass was. I have to say....it wasn't a bad thing. I learned many things, as this seemed to be the hand for Vulo's. First it was about cooking them, now it was about making them live. She showed me the right way to give them grains which she said she would supply...for my Master also if we come over and help her with the chicks, which honestly sounded fun. She put a bit of mint salve at her noses as she said she was aware the smell was strong, but she did have masses of vulos.

She showed how to clean their eyes after a dust storm, and check their feet, which if they were to be kept for eggs or breeding needed to be kept oiled and crack free, for if they get overly stressed they won't give good eggs. Checking for broken tips of their webbed feet, and beaks. How to check feathers for mites if they are digging badly, another thing a bit of oil would fix. Putting out water bowls and how to change out the dry grass down to keep it from smelling to bad, and plus it would turn fast if not rotated every few hands. I thought to add some sage, and other soothing wax cones there, for Master's wagon to keep the smell at bay also.

I told her about us making the wagon as a coop, she suggested adding some wooden shelving on the sides so each Hen has her own personal nesting spot, and some suggestions on how to do the nest, which would be good for the move, cause vulo's would be fit and use to the wagon for when we move. Of course She said that was up to my Master. She showed how to use reed woven baskets for the vulo's to nest cause they would loosen the weave and soften it themselves for their eggs and comfort. She suggested a woven rope canvas for the wagon entrance instead of the leather flaps. That...was the most fun. She showed us how to knot the rope into the canvas. It was rough against my fingers, and the knots had to be tight for the weather. They were small enough to keep the bodies inside, though the small heads would pop out. This was....fun!

Just when I was thinking I was ready and armed with knowledge and a new rope canvas, She stopped me, and said...not yet. Now I had to learn the important part. Oh? Oh the Mistress was so cool! She showed me how to put two little holes on each end of the egg, with a small bone needle. At one end, we were blowing the yoke out into a small bowl. Once the egg was hollow we would peel just a little back so we could rinse them out and dry them. One of her girls was cooking up the eggs that smelled so good. We dyed the eggs next putting strands of dried grass in the dye also, then everything was put out to dry, as she showed me how to make good grain out of wheat brought in from raids, even dried pieces of bread, and seeds. Using some dusted brown sugar it could be mixed for a bit of a treat which would help them adjust to their new home also. Finally we got back to the eggs, filling them through the small hole with the different colored dry grass, before a small membrane was placed over the hole that was barely seen. It was a neat project, but would was it good for? She said she got a barbarian slave a long time ago that showed her this. She took one of the eggs, and simply crushed it on my head! It was so fun as the colors danced around in twirling blades! I giggled and loved it!

The Vulo Mistress smiled, giving a few in a basket before She said it was time to get back to work. I ran all the way back to my Master's wagons. I couldn't wait...to try my new eggs! For now, I put the basket in the storage wagon with the rest of the slave stuff. I worked on getting the rope net over the top of the canvas past the platform. Using strips of leather it was bound to railings. So no Vulo could get out, but they could walk the platform for fresh air. I found a dozen of the woven baskets in Master's wagons placing them to the sides as I puffed out my horrid sounding whistles to keep them from wanting to eat me. Finally throwing out long dried reeds, as I wished for bundles of hay like we had back in the North, but there would be no crops around here. I was feeling very vulo savvy, until the magpie was going right for my hair again! Damn thing took a few good clumps before I could wave it away. I waited to take a few deep breaths under the vulo platform, before going to roll up the leather flaps to keep air circulating.

It was a good day, when it was over......I was so hungry for bosk!

Whistle...while you work

I was taking the basket back to Master's wagon, just a hum of the early evening rolling upon the plains, and a few happy thoughts fusing with my tender aching muscles from working that stance pose thing from Selene. Though it was all good, I was liking the warmth. I think the high point of the night came as I was watching Catch walk towards the wagons with baskets with bobbling heads trying to make many many crimson points all across her arms. From the look of features, body motion and her hair, I will say....She was one hot mess! It funny. It was...damn funny. It was like a moving billboard of rope and wood, that wasn't painted pictures of food or drinks, even a slut or two, displayed at some new Inn or Tavern, no, this seemed like a sign of "Fucking, cluck, Fuck Fuck pluck." And when that vision danced across my mind I was almost on the ground laughing. When Catch about screamed my name, I had to fight for a breath before running to help. Taking one of the baskets, I have to say, it was one of the first times I have ever seen an angry vulo. Not that I knew anything about vulo's but ain't ever seen them like this. I asked if these were some rare meat eating vulos or something. So we had baskets of vulos and no place to put them. These fuckers were steady trying to eat my fingers. I had to think..think...think. How to make a vulo happy? How to calm the savage beast? How to get......Oooooh yes I got it! I shall have to thank Master for this idea next time I see Him. I simply took the basket and dunked it in a barrel of water. I mean, it worked for me right? Catch was asking questions, and I don't think she really got the jest of the action as she pulled my arm to bring the vulos back up. I have to say, maybe if I had a few more ihn's to keep them under it might have worked but right now...They were more pissed after the daze came out from over them. By then, Catch thought of the slave wagon as a good nesting home, as I had suggested one of the supply raid stuff wagons, but it would be a lot of work to move everything. Catch was right, hard to work with pissed vulo wanting to eat you. She went to start moving stuff out of the slave wagon and I attempted to move chains and a few things when I walked out to the platform and this huge black vulo came flying at me! It was trying to eat my head! At that point one of the wet vulo heads popped up to take a snap at my finger and just as an reaction I grabbed it and starting to use the wet flapping vulo to make the big black one go away! I think the Black Vulo was as stunned as the poor vulo in my hands that I had used the vulo as a weapon. It wasn't till later that I figured out it wasn't a big ass black vulo flying at me, but at that moment, everything was a vulo. Catch pulled me in the wagon, and I stuffed the now very dazed vulo back in the basket until we could finish up. Catch pushed a huge old trunk by the entrance so we could tie down the flaps enough to keep them inside. She ran out with a jump over the trunk, I lingered a bit to make sure the passed out vulo was still alive, his legs were moving, so he was good. Now, it took a couple ehn's for it to register that she just said...lets go get the rest. The rest??? Armed with baskets in each hand..Thanks Catch, we headed to this vulo wagon. I have to say first off. Stinky. Little bastards smelled bad. Or it just smelled there. I would have to make sure to hang some scented wax near the wagon cause I didn't want Master's camp to smell like.....This. It was more of an adventure trying to catch them! Only one accident, I jumped at one, and it went right under me. Splat! Lets just say.....Dinner. Dinner and a wound, the small little beak stabbed me in the side! Nothing major, but it was sore. I got scolded good by this Vulo Mistress that came out. She attempted to make me feel guilty for treatment for Master's gifts, but damn it, hard to feel bad when I was bleeding. Then She told me..TOLD ME...I would be back tomorrow for some vulo care lessons. I sure would be. One of my first major lessons...No pissing off Master's close people. Yeah I know, shouldn't do any Free Person, but truly not Master's people above all! I figured since She was giving Him a herd of vulos, either Master LOVES vulo, or this was a good gift for some reason. Then something amazing happened. Catch whistled. The vulo came. Whistle and the vulo will come. That was some crazy shit! She told me to try, of course I can't whistle for nothing! It sounded like someone getting their lungs crushed under the clawed foot of a kaiila. Though, I did try. So there we went, finely feathered and worse for wear by the time we got them all in the wagon. We finished pulling some of the slave stuff in the supply wagon, after a long bath in the stream, I don't think I washed my hair enough for I felt...dirty! By the time I hit the furs near the fires with Catch...I was out.

Catch....a rainbow

I have been around Master's wagons a bit more. Beyond going to see Manga, and picking up on some training with Yasmine and Selene all between normal chores. I watch Catch come back and forth as she spent extra time getting dung in the mornings. I still find myself getting a bit....jealous? when I see Dee come around looking for Catch. Why was she here when I was trying to wait for me and her to cross paths? Damn it. Of course, I didn't think anything about Yasmine. Yasmine was Yasmine. She was busy these days harassing and trying to keep salve and oils on her chain sister's head while the hair was starting to grow back. I still find that a bit funny. I have to say, Yasmine gave me a few very good idea's. Armed with an idea, I was walking towards the wagon with a sack full plains urt. This one was pretty big, I was happy it had gotten caught in the snare I set and not the cage. I don't think I would have liked to reach in and grab it. He was fighting something awful in the sack, and was moving quickly before he would chew himself out, cause I kept shaking him back and forth to keep him from getting a grasp on the sides. I did a good aim towards Yaz, knowing it would dart out as soon as I opened the top. Now I have to say, I have gotten pretty good at knowing which way the head would shoot out. Yes, within ihns it went flying out as Yaz was good at snapping that neck first. Once the head was collected,I would be back to collect the other flung limbs later. I was getting pretty good at knowing where wagons were. I found Dee's wagon and yes, yes, yes! I saw a washing basket set out. Opening the lid, I dropped the Urt head in the basket, closing it back out and taking off.

So yes, I was ready for lunch. Manga was showing me how to cook some vulo. We spiced the broth, and put it in bota's once it cooled. It would keep for a few days, and she traded her special spiced broth with Healers for whatever wares they had to trade. We had taken out the bones from the bits of vulo, and then while it was still hot we stuffed it with slender strips of verr cheese. It was wrapped in maple sugar soaked tarsk strips, and it was just heated on a rack for half an ehn on each side, then placed on a plate with bits of crushed redfruit on the side. I have to say.....it was delicious!

After I finished cleaning up around Manga's fires, and she made another basket of herbs and spices to take back to my Master's wagon's, I would take an ahn and work on lesson's with Selene. She was showing me how to hold a pose today. Now, honestly when she broke it down to..just being still, I thought..how stupid, who couldn't do that? Clearly, I couldn't! She said when girls learned to dance, they learn how to hold a pose, and mold their bodies to keep that pose until permission was given to dance. It could be something like to Display, or just strike a beautiful pose to show every contour of the body. I still wasn't getting why right now. But Selene was there, moving my body around. Her hands were all over me! Pressing the small of my back in, my hands up over my head, like she was an artist making sure everything was perfect. Lifting my left heel, turning it slightly, pressing my hips out, my shoulders back, my chin up slightly and head turned just a bit, so a bit of my red hair would just brush against my right shoulder as the rest fell to the side, so it wouldn't go totally across my back and shadow the form of my back. She even turned my hands so the back of hands would touch each other, making my fingers spray out slightly but still be straight foward. I was quivering and sweating! I wanted to move, but no, I didn't want to show failure. She told me to breath slowly from my nose. Close my eyes and just think calmly, as if I'm the only one there. Don't think of the ache of my muscles but enjoy the warmth running across my flesh, inside out. It was amazing. I slowly opened my eyes, and felt my cheeks instantly flare up in a blush as her Master was looking at me. He praised Selene on my position and praised me for being a good student. He called me beautiful. I found, I liked the compliment, I liked the pride...I was beautiful!

I wondered...if this was how Catch felt. This was how I saw her. I saw her like the morning rainbow reflected from the delicate heated morning dew. She seemed as sweet and flavorful like different sweet syrups on shaved ice that was so vivid you would want to just watch the crystals sparkle with each different line of reds, blues, greens and yellows forever, but you knew you had to eat it quickly before it melted forever into just a swirled puddle through the wax cup. Catch never melted. She was just sweet colors that shone across the wagons. I think that is why....I was looking for her so badly. I wanted...the sweetness of happiness.

Canvas of confusion

I had taken stones towards the stream to wash off some of the dye from the surfaces I had scraped. I knew it would leave only the stain, locked in the ridges. I was watching the colors of water run up along the shoreline of stones, and dirty sand. The sand by the edge was darker by the waters markings of touch, it had tawny browns and deep mocha's like chocolate, a bit of cream in clumped masses, that sparkled when I tuned my head slightly. It would be a sheer coating of green, grey, white and blue when the waters lapped across it. Like flesh wrapped in silks of a dancer, for the ground would mold into a different texture with each wave. I took full advantage of this with lifting my toes when the water came in, and pressing them down in cool pillows of ground giving way under the pressure of my feet when it went back to the stream. Different each time, different. Never to match the pattern again. I liked...the thought. I got to touch it first. My bit of victory to be given the gift from nature, even if only to my toes. I saw the motion of Mistress, but honestly the wind made things clear before I could see any feature of her face. The scent in the air was vibrating with the feel of pepper and burning wood. I miss the smell of burning wood. I would never admit that out loud. They seem to take wasting everything here...personally. I can understand that though, our life here was based on whatever nature allowed us. Us....Oh did I really say that? Us? I did. It made my heart jump, as it came out naturally as a breath.

Now, I was feeling brave, had a lot on my mind, I headed towards the Mistress....carefully. Cause sometimes one can just feel....danger..danger..danger. I lowered close, but not that close. Which quickly was corrected by Mistress as the space was filled in with my ass hauling quickly to Her side at the beckon. I was weary. I was. Perhaps I have grown...spoiled. Mistress was always kind and wonderful, filling my head with visions, and thoughts when She spoke to me. Today...Mistress Mezoo...not so happy looking. It didn't stop me from trying to offer a bit of light, but it was secondhand offering. Mistress was not pleased with that. I had kept a distance at first when I should have went close. Oh, I felt shameful for that. She only wanted me to come up when I cared enough to open my heart and offer my service. Not an after thought. Ouch Ouch. Now, we spoke about my Master a bit. How much I didn't know about Him. Again, my fault. That didn't sink in till later though, right now I was still a bit angry, cause I didn't know anything anything! I knew how to avoid, I knew He liked my eggs, but a man can't live on eggs alone. I knew.....the rare times I got to watch Him, see Him, study Him, life seemed to weight a bit heavy on His shoulders, like caramelized sweet breath that looks like and soft from the plate but to hold it, it was weighted against the palm with the filling and firm candy coating locked on by flames. It was rich beyond words, and no one would really get the concept of it, but the baker that created it. People just all wanted a taste, to say, they had tried it. I was one of them also, but perhaps not taste, but just hold it. See if I could find any break in the shell that sealed the tender spots that people dreamed of.

Mistress didn't show much of a change in emotion. I just babbled away though, glad Mistress wasn't a weaver I'm sure I would have found my lips sewn shut! I explained, sorta on the surface, but I had a feeling Mistress knew what I was saying, not sure if She knew my culture but we all can't be that far apart on tools of future. My stones with the designs of the Runes. I wanted to just stuff them in every open wound of life my Master had. Not cause I was all dreamy eyed like Catch over Him, I'm not, not cause I loved Him, I don't. Maybe, cause deep down inside, I was thankful, and I respected...what He gave me. I was learning that what I was forced to submit was a choice and a choice I was happy He offered. I was..enjoying this life He allowed me. I wanted to give something back. For yes, festival was a time of rejoicing, but I had never seen a Rune tossed that gave doom. They would tell of hardships, they would tell of yearnings, but in the end, with strong will, and faith, people could accomplish what they sought. I hoped He would find what the Runes would lead Him to. So He could come home, relax, and tell me how the fuck He likes His bosk, and I could serve it with confidence!

Jeeze.

But I had a feeling, Mistress understood my unsaid words. She pressed my cheek against Her thigh, before I knew it, fingers had captured my flesh, and the pain was just a grasp of white with a scarlet warm over as She painted a bruise there. For a moment....She had tranquility in working colors and pattern.

I, of course ruined it.

By wanting Her to do the art...my way. I was given a lot of lessons that day, and much to think about. I had gained a gift, I would have to thank Mistress for. Knowledge, to make me worth more. So I sat there, with my stones, and my throbbing face, thinking.

Stone past towards the future

The first thing I did when I got home was leave everything on the platform of my Master's wagon, well the gifts and other stuff that was "His" though everything is His, some of the His I knew where to put away! I just dragged ass to the slave wagon curling my fingers around the chains, and fell asleep.

I can't remember the last time I slept so hard. I felt as if I just laid across the lush fur carpets, not bothering to pull out the sleeping furs or blankets. I just needed to feel the cool links of chains at my skin, and the sound of the breeze against the leather and bone canvas.

My dreams were like bubbles just floating around in my little world I get lost in when I sleep. I am a dreamer. My dreams were made of fantasies, memories and even dreams of reality. I have never had a nightmare in my life. Even when Mother died, I didn't feel lost. Entirely. I had Big Red to snuggle against, and Blushes to keep those memories alive. Death is something scared to us. I found it is as strong here. It can be sad, but its not for mourning. Its a rejoice, not so much life ending, but of it just going into another realm of natural order. Flesh was just the first step of our path, to die was what was necessary, to continue to truly live. I have come up with my own theories and thoughts on death, but those things were not as exciting to think about, as my dreams. Right now, in the mist of bubbles just bouncing all over, I saw flashes of me and Big Red as children in the warm season running through fields of flowers and grains. We had our long red hair just pulled back in green ribbons to match our green little velvet dresses. Even in my dream I heard the childish giggles, and I saw the small toddler of Von trying to keep up with us. I watched the three children rub golden petals against each other's cheeks and stains at flesh as they rolled against the grassy hills tickling each other. Reaching out to grab this vision I wanted to keep it there, as it was daring to float up above my head, it popped at my finger tips, like a burst of shimmer once a cool hammer hits the white of metal on the anvil. I had to keep my hands bound behind the small of my back in a tight curl at my slender wrist. I watched myself run to the center of the festival with long streamers of ribbons in my hands to trail after me. I had to see the tossing of the Runes. People would just cheer and be happy. Runes were blessings, magical and gave luck. I watched them dance across the ground with gentle clicks of knocking against each other. They pressed down settling and the designs were beautiful. I didn't need them read to know, they would just make me feel better, seeing them in their own patterns before me. It was like everything else froze as I watched the last stone leave its airborne toss and land against the dust in a great thunder of edges rounded before it fell to its rested position.

Destiny found in the past, to be carried to the future.

Destiny.

Yes, I had to have it. I had to give it away. I was so angry. Just so mad about every bit of the past being torn away from me like a clawed fist ripping away chunks of what was...me from my body. Huge holes gapping, bleeding, as the flesh was just tossed to the side as a simple gesture of..what was then, means nothing now. Get over it Red. You feel safe and then the memories just are nothing more then masses of torn flesh on the ground, staining it with the goo of me still wanting to paste it back in. Once its gone, it never fits again. I think that is what happened the night I lost everything like small painted green pebbles in the grass. I wanted to scramble to find them, all of them, press them back against my heart. Reality was, just let them fall, and use those stone paths to keep walking across.

I needed more stones.

I had to have them, I had to create a path to walk against to keep going.

I felt bad for scaring Catch I think. That was the last moment we spent together that night. Before the need festered and the confusion. I get it now. I do. Like watching builders construct a stone wall. Each piece was there, one had to create the way to work it into its place. You couldn't change the stone, for it would lose its beauty, its original foundation that was the reason it was picked.

I wanted to give a bit of what I believed in. I was lost in creation of my stones. Scratching the surfaces with another broken stone, rubbing in some of those dried paints into the forms to soak into the porous marks. All this anger in me, was only over being unable to figure out what to do with these memories, lessons, times in my life. I had to build that cobble stone path, that would be my future. Form it under each step, though now it would only be dirt and grass that was under my feet. No one would see this path but me. No one would understand it, but me. Only I could build it.

Forgiven, but never forgotten. My stones would show me, there as so much more out there, it was time to let go of the grounded tree I was trying to climb afraid to move and keeping, just waiting to be saved and refusing to move on.

I won't be afraid, no one could save me, but me. I was afraid to walk alone, until I looked up and saw the form of those who never left, offering me a hand, to take that step forward.

Oh yes. I was ready to shove a stone into a few places. Damn it, I was going to make it.

I hate You......

We finally made it home it was very late. I was given the chore of taking the sleen pups to the Sleen Master's wagon. I hear He has a scary girl. I have never seen her, but not sure if I want to. I put down all of my gathered goods, and one by one I walked each of the Sleen in a Sack, towards the wagon taking down the hanging bota's and just hanging the sacks on the side of the wagon pegs. I figured once they started yelping for release from the leather sacks, someone would notice them. All five were hung carefully, and I went back to find where I had left my baskets by Manga's wagon.

I was exhausted. I just wanted to go back and crawl into His slave wagons, bind my ankle with a ribbon and chain, and sleep for ahn's! Manga had other plans. I got there, she already had a small pot over the fire, melting wax. The rich scent of honey was in the air, and she motioned me over. She showed me how make candles. In one, she tapped some power in the wax, it smelled so good, almost powerful, it soothed my mind and for a moment, I forgot everything that bothered me that day. She seemed to notice the change in mood instantly, chuckling as she put a slice of tospit under my nose that snapped me out of instantly. She gave a little tisk and warned me to not breath in too deeply. These were a special mixture for a very special candle. She handed me a clay vase, it looked like a vase, a very ugly one, telling me to get some grease and line the inside of it. I did so as told, bringing it back, she put a woven wick in the middle and told me to keep it centered while she poured the spiced wax. I turned my head to keep from inhaling too much like she warned me, but it smelled so good, beckoning...I loved it. Taking the vase from me, she put it in a bucket of water, that just rose to the top but not inside to cool the wax.

We made smaller candles and she gave me bits of wax to make my little aroma chips I like near the fires. We would have a good supply now of them. Then the roots, and flowers were split, and put in bundles, most for her, but the rest for me to take to my Master for Him to decide what to do with them. She made a small basket up, it looked pretty. It had small jars of spices, the jar of wild honey, and finally she would work the candle out of the greased vase that formed it once it set, cleaning it off, before putting that also in the basket. She grinned and told me to make sure to leave everything on His wagon platform, He would know who its from. I figured....no problem. I was so ready to go anyway. I...just wanted to go back. Selene and Yasmine were long gone, and I watched Her for a few ehn's, watch me.

Tell me, little red slave, why do you look so angry.

I think I hate Him, Manga.

Hate is a strong emotion. One can't have it without love, that is the balance of life.

I would nod, cause I truly understood.

I hate that He turned me into this. I love what I am. I hate that I have been so angry at what I lost to not see what I gained. I hate that I fear Him. I hate that I yearn to show Him everything I have learned. I hate Him, for making me see, how much I truly want Him, and the fact I didnt' need to be at His side for this to happen.

Ah, I see. I think that happens when one has been touched by the essence of a Super Sexy Spexy.

We both laughed. I see the girls had shared a bit with Manga too. The sparkle in Manga's eyes was that of a teenager.

Manga, stop before I hate You too.

Little Red Slave, hate me all you want, its the most touching thing about life. Emotions.

Makes it worth living.

You are so right Manga, so right.

Transformation

It was a long walk. Only towards the end did I get enough nerve to beg a Master on a kaiila to allow me to sit behind Him. I thought my feet were going to fall off! Heck even the Elder Mistress seemed to be walking with no issue at all, and She had a bad back! We slept under the stars, and I was scared snuggling close to the Elder Mistress and Yasmine that might while the shadows all seemed to have their own sound that went on and on louder then a drummer sitting right next to me.

I'm not sure when I finally fell asleep, but I heard the morning crickets and before I could open my eyes I felt the droplets of moisture falling over my face. Great, it was sprinkling out! Just my luck, it would rain! The mud would come out of my bells and everyone will hear them! I tried to put my hand over my face, cause it seemed to be coming down faster, and it was..snarling? Snarling rain? What the? Pushing back and up I was almost face to face with a huge kaiila who was drooling and eating the strips of jerky he took out of my satchel! Ooooooodin's mercy....he was drooling all over me! Ewwww!

What made it so much sweeter was Yasmine had been watching the whole thing and was just gasping for air laughing once I looked over at her. Yasmine was laughing so hard, she didnt' seem to be able to really breath, and Selene was looking very concerned. I just shrugged, snatched my half chewed satchel and started after the Elder Mistress a long way ahead of me. I looked over my shoulder to watch Selene fanning Yasmine's face, and I figured..hell let the bitch die. Really funny. Blah!

Our day was long. There was no joke about that, the Elder Mistress, who I learned was called Manga, something Her grandchildren came up with long ago that stuck, that she even had slaves call Her, had me go far into the dark edges of the Valley with Her. Manga had no fear, where I was trembling. I heard the deep breaths that just rolled off the walls, and she said it was the narrowing of the valley causing the path to deepen its echo. Made sense, but still pretty damn scary. We dug up roots, and pulled vines from the walls. Took some of the dirt from the ground that felt moist and very cold at my hands. Then we finally walked out and as a treat we filled baskets with wild ramberries. Again that night we slept under the stars, but it didn't seem as bothersome then, after the valley. I watched the stars and let tears roll down my cheeks, wondering if Von would be laying across the stone fence wondering about me and Big Red. I'm sure he would be calling me every bit of bosk spew there was, thinking I had taken to big city life and forgotten about the North. I just wanted to go back home and blacken his eye for that! Mind you, even though I was the one assuming it! Pity it wasn't further from the truth. I think Von would like it here. No, he would love it. I....was falling in love with it. The open sky, the smell of aging wood from the wagons, bosk that always laced the breeze, fires and always roasting meats. The people were so alive here. To see with slave eyes was to see everything, every detail in life I had been missing.

I listened to the sounds of moans in the air, that seemed to be spiked with the scent of sex. We didn't have tents, didn't need them, it was warm out. I watched the shadows in the grass move in unison, and it was the first time, I felt...the yearning. The yearning to be wanted in such a manner. To be beautiful enough inside that it would seep through my skin and beckon The One, to look...interested.

The next day, we were moving around the grounds of a field of thick tall bushes. The small red berries were poisonous. We collected those in glazed clay lidded jars. We also carefully took eggs from high nest, and these plains hawks would be trained as hatchlings. Manga found a couple bee hives towards the far east, and we were getting dung chips to build a fire under it to smoke them calm when out of no where, the pretty blonde slave that was right next to me, screamed and was...gone. By the time I unfroze myself to turn around I saw the Masters with lances taking the wild sleen down that was dragging the limp slave away. There would be two bodies instead of one. I was just numb, not sure why it shocked me so badly. Wasn't it just a way of life? But death has never been so close, standing right next to me. We let the small smoldering fires start, as the Masters told us to get a few leather sacks out of the pile. The downed sleen still had some milk which meant, there were sleen pups close by. I think we searched for an ahn, before we found the small burrowed hole in the ground. The pups came right out at the sound of our steps. There were five of them. They were so cute with their small six legs and sharp pup milk teeth. One by one we stuck them in the sacks and hauled them back. By then, Manga had taken out wax and honey, filling jars and placing the wax in a large lined crate. With the pups being found the trip was cut a day, as we would stay just one more night. By then, we had moved around to where the red clay could be found, feeding bota's of verr milk to the pups while we started to dug up clay and put it on poles that would be dragged back by the riding Master's on kaiila's.

The walk back wasn't so bad, we got to hold a pup a piece, or the sack of pup rather, as we would only allow their little heads to pop out. It was a long weary walk, as we were strapped with as many baskets and a few girls were pulling post also, on the way back. It was quiet for now, the girl had been burned instead of fed to the kaiila's to keep the blood down from the air while we were on open grounds of the plains. Breaking the Silence Selene looked over to me.

I never asked...who do you belong to?

Before I could answer, Yasmine on my other side, seemed to decide to answer for me.

She belongs to the Super Sexy Spexy Master.

Selene seemed to let a look of awe come over her features, as if this was something amazing.

Really? If I belonged to the Super Sexy Spexy Master I would be right at His side at all times! Why are you here with us instead?

Again, Yasmine and Selene seemed to be talking to each other though both looked at me while they spoke and Yasmine spoke again for me.

She is dodging Him like a vulo tossed in a sleen pen.

Why would you do that? I mean how are you going to get to learn and know Him if your not around?

That is what I was thinking, but not my place to judge you know? I know I would be trying to watch and learn His patterns myself.

Yes, see what He likes to eat, how He sleeps so you know how to layer His sleeping furs, which leg He favors so you can add extra grease to that boot.

I would offer to stitch His leathers any day. Have you seen the way He walks when coming back from the herds, the way those spurs click? Do just melt like sugar for!

How about when He is on the kaiila? Did you see....

I let them continue to talk as I looked to the small fluff of sleen head that popped out of the top of the leather sack in my hands, figuring this would be the only moment I would get to speak about the topic.

I guess in all my anger, I forgot to look for what I was searching for. He was always right there.

It all made sense now. I wanted to get home so badly.

To watch and yearn

I was feeling antsy. Maybe it was from not seeing [Avoiding] Him. I hadn't been to Master's slave wagon for some time. Just to get my oils, grab some lotions, clean it out and then I was gone again between mixing with the chores of the camp slaves, doing loads of leather washing, getting urts for Yaz, and making wax scents for the cooking fires....I found myself everywhere...but there.

Yasmine was on punishment for setting her Master's new slave on fire, well the girls really long hair and sent to sleep with the camp slaves. So I didn't want her to be alone, I would gather my blanket and go lay with her. Waking up to gather Dung, and do everything over again. It was starting to feel repetitive, when I decided, I would take a step out towards a group of wagons I had yet to venture to. There was a Master there with a bunch of girls. They looked pretty fresh, as in, use to be Dweller Freewomen, Fresh. I am guessing He was like a Slaver type of person that trains slaves. I don't think they have true Slavers here, but He had a group of about six girls He was working on. I got to thinking....as I watched...I had learned what slaves have to do, but had I learned to be a slave, feel the slave in me? No. I didn't know nothing of this refined beauty I saw in others. The inner beauty, cause I have seen some verr ass ugly girls just look so majestic when simply offering up a platter of bosk strips.

I didn't ask to join in, but I found myself a way to be useful by them so I could watch. An Elder Mistress was by the fires with a stone footed bowl, and a grinding stone in the middle. She was taking herbs and roots and making them into a pulp to mix for dyes or add to salves or just break down for drying and making into powder later. She said if I could help, She would teach me what she was doing. I gladly jumped to the task. The rich aroma of the roots and stalks still had a light dusted smell of fresh earth. Even though we rinsed them in bucket or they had been soaked first. I worked the stone in my hand against the roots that were spread across the stone base of the bowl, once I did my first roll of edging feeling the give way of each root just burst into shreds I found...I liked this a lot. For it was new and exciting, and I was watching the girls learn general slave positions. I discovered that the rich aroma that was found on the root was more alive and smooth once it was broken and even a bit more light and delicate once dried. When one added a hint of vinegar it would explode into life and hind the bitter scent of the vinegar instantly with whatever it was, as if to devour it. Mixed with some of the aloe from plants or even honey with boiled oils it soaks fully to the skin or hair, and the case with salves, it wont' stick to the bandages.

I wasn't sure how long I had been there, it was ahn's. The six slaves had been allowed a meal, and a rest for a few ehn's to learn how to put on their leathers, before starting again, with positions until a sheen of sweat was covering their flesh. My finger tips were pink and sore, but I didn't want to stop, I would look over now and then and see the Elder Mistress with her head back, snoring away. As crazy as it seemed when I ran out of something, Her hand was up giving me another batch. Always perfect timing. No fail, Her head would fall back and She would be snoring away once I started again.

I was starting to slow down, as I went through the wet or fresh roots, stalks, berries, flowers and leaves, and she had me wash out the stone footed bowl with a moist cloth and oil before putting it away, and bringing back one made of what felt like thick glass. It was rare to find anything glass out in the wagons beyond traded glass beads. It looked like something one might find in a physicians keep. They had healers here, but nothing as fancy as the Physician's of the city. She said this one was for the dried stalks and small seeds, even spices or other delicates mixed to make anything that needed to be concentrated carefully or dusted. She was explaining things like perfumes of the city was made this way, when I was shocked, pleasantly so, to see Yasmine walk up, but with another slave! How dare she have another friend! I felt the heated fury of jealousy start to run up my shoulders, the same feeling I get when I see Catch with Dee. It only calmed when Yasmine brushed a kiss on my cheek and told the other girl, who was called Selene, that I was the Red one she was talking about. Selene was.....breathtaking. I think I lost my breath more when she said the same of me! Me? No, not speckled Red. The Elder Mistress got up with a few grumbles of Her back, saying enough for now, go off and play with the other lazy slaves.

It was fun to see Yamine tease the Mistress she would come straighten Her back out again with the chunky slave from the back wagons again if She wanted! I took it many knew Yasmine in good nature as the Mistress just waved her off. I saw Yasmine gather up some of the Elder Mistress's things and follow Her talking to Her about Her back, how was the leg, finger still pointing to the left? I had to laugh. Selene took my hand and dragged me over to the group of girls as the Master that was teaching them scolded her for taking so long. Again, I was confused. The Master took Selene by the hair yanking her head back, and gave her a kiss that I think made the seven of us watching....our toes just curl! It took me a moment to notice that Selene was squeezing my trapped fingers in pleasure and writhing around so much even I was jerking here and there with the motions as she just wouldn't let my hand go! The Master gave her a firm slap in the ass before walking off, and Selene was giving this daydreaming look watching Him leave. Then she turned to the girls with a stomp of her foot, and said "Nadu!" quickly and I watched all six hit the ground fast. I even almost would have if she didn't have a firm hold on me still. Blushing I looked over seeing Yasmine dragging a huge crate towards us.

With that, Selene then taught us how to serve....with a sensual touch. I think my cheeks burned the whole time. Between learning how to stroke a side of a cup, mug, bota even with tips of fingers in suggestion, and how to place a plate or platter, even a huge tray before me so that its my body that is seen before what I was offering, then how to smile, flutter my eyes, give a side glance, even a slight parting of lips...everything she said..that mattered. I was....Shocked!

Wow.

She had waved the girls off a couple ahn's later to go back to their owners and then walked to the wagon closest by to get me and Yasmine a cup of juice. Yasmine downed it fast before jumping up. I frowned as she made the motion to leave, saying she had to run back to her Master's wagon to rub some salve on her crispy chain sister's head. If she doesn't then her Master wont' think she will have remorse...for the "accident" at the cooking fires. I had to giggle. Dang, she was something else, Yasmine.

Selene then told me about the gathering trip her and Yasmine were going on at first light, that I should come with. Gathering trip? While we waited for Yasmine to return, she told me about how they go with a group of Masters, Mistresses and other girls out past the realms of the far Outriders, to where the hills were taller and there was a distance cut in plains that formed a valley. There all the precious herbs, roots, spices and berries could be found, even flowers of such rich color that this trip was taken once a year to collect things to last until it was taken again. It was an important trip, and I would bring back so much my owners will be richer from my gatherings. All they need to do is send a slave. Didn't sound like a bad deal to me. I figured I hadn't seen [Avoided] my Master in days, beyond a shadow here and there. I wouldn't be missed. Plus I didn't want to ask cause I really wanted to go and I didn't want Him to say no! I thought about Catch and our night together the night before just by the stream, and the little fit I threw there. The Memories were haunting me. Home vs Home. I needed....to run away and think. I felt safe here, so I would run away with the Gatherer's and ...Gather.

Gather and think.

I let this become thick in my mind as Selene and the then returning Yasmine filled my bells with little balls of mud and wrapped my ankles all the way to mid calves with strips of leather to hide them. If the others thought I couldn't be trusted I wouldn't be allowed to go. This felt...wrong. I knew it was. I wanted to run and tell Catch, for...she was the only one I spilled my heart out to, though in small doses. I wanted her hug, and smile. Right now, I forced myself to shrug it off. Want to walk with the big Sleens, have to be brave.

Sure.

I laid between the two girls with our baskets set out and ready for our trip at first light. To the stars, I started to say my sorry's to the wind. Sorry Master, I wasn't brave enough ask, sorry Catch, gonna leave you with some extra chores, Sorry Yaz, gonna have to wait a few days for that Plains Urt. What was I doing?

Sleeping, I would think about this when we return.